


The Life That Trapped You

by CordeliaOllivander



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Azkaban, Canonical Character Death, Darkness Reigns Fest, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Forbidden Love, Heartbreak, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 20:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20981912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CordeliaOllivander/pseuds/CordeliaOllivander
Summary: A secret that no longer was, changed his life forever. A secret can haunt and torture the mind into reliving terrible things, but when that secret twists again, what will be the consequences?





	The Life That Trapped You

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [DarknessReigns](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/DarknessReigns) collection. 

> **Prompt:**
> 
> In the middle of a raid, Travers encounters a woman he thought to be dead - one who has haunted his nightmares for years. Wand raised and thoughts astray, “I would think you a ghost, but we both know a ghost doesn’t have a beating heart. I can smell your fear from here.”

** July 14th, 1981 **

Jonathan Travers sat inside a cage, like some kind of animal, awaiting his moment to speak at his trial. He hadn’t said a word since he was arrested and charged with the deaths of the McKinnon family. Charles and Margaret McKinnon, their children, Michael, Mary, and Marlene. And the worst of all, Marlene’s daughter. She was almost two. 

Being taken right from the scene of the crime didn’t do anything to help his case, but he didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore. His prison robes were tattered and disgusting, but he hardly noticed. The stone ceiling above him began to open and he felt himself being raised into the courtroom. Bartemus Crouch presided over the room, how ironic. If he only knew. He recognized several other members of the court as well, and knew what was he about to say would send him straight to Hell, but that’s where he belonged. He’d accepted it. 

“Jonathan Travers.” Crouch bellowed over the banging of his gavel. “You have been charged with the deaths of the entire McKinnon family. Do you understand these charges?” 

“Yes.” 

“Explain to the court what happened that night.” 

A sick and twisted snarl took form across his face. “I murdered them all... and I made it hurt.” 

* * *

** August 21st, 1981 **

Hours, days, weeks, they all blended together in a mess of nightmares and breakdowns. He didn’t know what time it was, what day it was, or how long he’d been here. He wished that he would have received the kiss instead. At least his already damned soul wouldn’t plague him with guilt. 

He dreamed of her. He screamed her name until his throat was raw. He cried oceans of tears and clawed at his own skin. Even awake he saw her lifeless body hit the floor, covered in blood. So much blood. Her eyes burning into him, so he would never forget how he betrayed her. 

“Travers!” 

He jumped at the annoyed, gruff voice standing before his cell door. He imagined he looked extremely pathetic, curled up in the corner of his cell, clothes ripped and skin matted with his own dried blood. He stared at his visitor, he recognized that face, swore he saw it somewhere. 

“I’m Auror Moody.” 

Travers nodded weakly, he was at his trial. 

“I have some questions for you.” 

“I have nothing to say to you.” He hung his head and closed his eyes, trying to block out this man’s presence. He didn’t like the way he looked at him, like he could see every single one of his secrets.

“My questions concern Marlene McKinnon.” 

He flinched at her name, he couldn’t help it. 

“It doesn’t add up, Travers.” His harsh voice grating across the damp cell. “The others were a killing curse, all except her. You say you killed them all?” 

“Yes.” He whispered. He closed his eyes tightly, Why was he being forced to do this? He already relived it every night, was he not allowed to escape it during the day? 

“What did she ever do to you?” Moody said between clenched teeth. “What about her was different? Was it because she was in the Order? Don’t tell me you didn’t know that!” 

Travers swallowed with difficulty. His dry throat and tongue feeling like sandpaper in his mouth. “Have you ever been in love, Auror Moody?” 

“What?” 

“Love.” 

The Auror growled, clearly impatient with this conversation. 

“I was in love once.” His voice quiet. “Our relationship was kept secret, no one knew about it. No one. We were careless and discovered, and my loyalty came into question. I was ordered to kill her. It was a test, you see.” 

He could see her face as clear as the sun on a summer day. Could still remember the feel of her skin, the softness of her hair, the warmth in her touch. 

“Well?" Moody barked. "What did you do?”   


Travers turned to face the man with empty eyes. “I murdered her. And I made it hurt.” 

Moody stepped back in shock. The man didn’t appear to be one that something like that happened to often. 

“You asked why she was different. I killed Marlene with a curse that would be painful as she bled out. A cutting curse to the neck and she was dead.” 

The silence they shared was deafening. Neither of them could even hear the screams of the other inmates they were so lost in the moment. Moody turned to walk away, presumably disgusted with the excuse of a man before him, when he turned his head to glance back at him. 

“Your sentence has been changed. You will now serve five life sentences instead of six. The girl lived.” 

“The g- what?” He choked. 

“The daughter. She lived.” 

With nothing further to say, Auror Moody walked away, leaving him to drown in even more sorrow. The girl lived. His daughter was _alive._ If anyone ever found out she would be a target, and he couldn’t do a damned thing about it.

* * *

** September 7th, 1981 **

_ Warm hands caressed his back as he woke up slowly. _

_ “Jon.”  _

_ “Mmm.” He loved waking up next to her, and hated that he couldn’t do it every morning. Their lives were just too different.  _

_ “Jon.”  _

_ “Five more minutes, Marley.” He moaned into his pillow. He didn’t want this moment to end, not yet.  _

_ “Save me, Jon.”  _

_ His head snapped up and he saw the love of his life covered in blood.  _

_ “Marlene? What’s-“  _

_ “You didn’t save me.”  _

_ The room around him changed from Marlene’s pastel covered bedroom to his dark and cold cell. She was lying on the floor, covered in her own blood. Blood that he spilled.  _

_ “I... Marlene, no. Please forgive me.” He whispered as he crawled over to her.  _

_ Reaching for her hands he hissed at how cold they were. Cold... like death. “Marley.” He choked.  _

_ Her skin paled even more, but the blood... the blood stayed bright red. Her eyes fluttered and the panic in his chest broke through.  _

_ “Stay with me, please! I’m so sorry! Marley!” Grabbing her cheeks he stared into her lifeless eyes. “Marley.”  _

_ The tears that fell from his face dropped onto hers. _

Jon sat up abruptly, panting. The air was cold, colder than usual, which meant that a dementor was close. 

“No, no, no.” He drew his legs up to his chest and buried his face as best he could. “Marley...” 

* * *

** November 1st, 1981 **

Someone had died. He wasn’t sure who, he never bothered to listen. Cells were being changed. He hoped he wasn’t across from Bellatrix, he could hear her cackles from here and he didn’t care to hear what she rambled to herself when she wasn’t laughing hysterically. The daytime guards seemed a little too happy about something, which was never a good thing. Sometimes that meant they liked to send extra dementors down the same hallways to prey on people that haven't lost their minds yet.  


"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Beaten by a baby!" One of the guards chuckled. "Not so powerful after all!"

“Get going!” He heard another guard shout. 

The shuffling of slippered feet on the stone told him these guards were bringing the new prisoner. He thought that anyone would be better than Bellatrix... 

He thought wrong. 

Sirius Black now stared right at him. Day and night. He reminded Jon so much of Marley, brave to the point of idiocy. Black had never made a fuss, not once. It made him wonder if the man had secrets as well. Secrets like his.   


The first night Black was moved proved to be too much for Jon’s fragile mind. The slightest thought these days morphed into terrible nightmares that he couldn’t escape. 

~

_ Jon prepared himself for the events of the evening. Whoever they were going after, the Dark Lord seemed very excited about. His mark burned, which meant that He was ready. Jon apparated to the meeting point right away, then took note of the Death Eaters that were present. Snape, Bellatrix, Dolohov, and another with their cloak tightly around their face, concealing their identity. Jon didn’t think too much of this, no one knew exactly who was a member and who was not, the Dark Lord preferred it that way.  _

_ They made their way out of the wooded area and were met with several rowed houses that all looked the same.  _

_ “Which one?” The Dark Lord hissed.  _

_ The Death Eater Jon couldn’t see raised a very shaky hand and pointed. Jon walked along with the others, not paying much attention.  _

_ “Th-this one, my Lord.”  _

_ “Well done, Wormtail.”  _

_ Jon’s head snapped up. Wormtail? That was- then he saw the house. He knew this house.  _

_ “Travers. You will be with me.”  _

_ “Yes, my Lord.” His voice was rough and was sure it gave away his emotions, but the panic inside of him was threatening to escape as it was.  _

_ “Begin.”  _

_ Bellatrix was giddy with the excitement of torturing someone, and rushed inside the house on her Master's orders. Jon stood behind the Dark Lord, desperately wanting to close his eyes against the screams and flashes of curses, but knew he was being watched.  _

_ “Shall we?”  _

_ “Yes, my lord.”  _

_ He would never be ready for the scene before him. He knew his family was gone. The pure joy on Bellatrix’s face was proof enough. Marlene, his beautiful Marley, a pile of tortured limbs on the floor. His throat convulsed with fear and anger as he watched the love of his life gasp for air.  _

_ “It would seem...” Voldemort began, “that there are secrets within our ranks.”  _

_ “My lord.” Bellatrix whispered excitedly. “Let me do it.” _

_ Voldemort smile upon her. “Bella, this must be done by another. Someone... that needs to prove exactly where their loyalties... truly lie.”  _

_ Jon looked the Dark Lord right in the eyes, something he never would have done any other time.  _

_ “Make it hurt.”  _

_ “Yes, my lord.”  _

_ He stepped forward, and locked eyes with Marlene. He wanted to speak; to tell her that he loved her, tell her that they could still make it out alive. He could run to her and disaparate before anyone knew what happened. They could go underground. They were all each other had. Her parents and their child had been murdered, they couldn’t lose each other.  _

_ He should have listened to her. He should have believed her when she told him this would happen, that they would end up at wand point, one way or another.  _

_ “Well done, Wormtail.” The Dark Lord praised. “You have served me well.”  _

_ “T-thank you, my lord. Thank you.”  _

_ Jon watched with absolute disgust as Peter Pettigrew bowed. He was the real spy, the real traitor to both sides. He knew that that was all it took, his one moment of hesitation for Voldemort to realize that Marlene meant something to him. He was a dead man either way.  
_

_ “Marley... I love you.”  _

_ “Jon.”  _

_ He saw the tears slide down her cheeks, the hurt on her face. The realization that he was going to kill her.  _

_ “Sectumsempra!” He cried with everything he had.  _

_ “Again!” Voldemort shouted.  _

_ “S-Sectumsempra!”  _

_ Her blood pooled around her body. She was choking on it, spitting it into the air making it splatter across her perfect skin. Jon had never hated himself so much in his life.  _

_ ~ _

“How dare you speak her name.” 

Jon sat up, gasping for air, wiping his face free of the wetness that he hadn’t allowed himself in a long time. 

“Mind your business, Black.” Jon growled. 

“She was my friend! And you murdered her!” 

Jon stayed silent as he collected himself. The last thing he needed was a dementor to come by and feed off of this latest memory. “I did.” 

“Don’t you dare... speak her name.” 

Jon looked the other man in the eyes, saw the haunted look upon his face. “I pity you, Black.” 

He scoffed. 

Jon sat up and leaned against the cold stone, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling he imagined were stars. “I do. I deserve to be here after all... you do not.” 

Black stared at him, then scoffed again and turned away. "Shows how much you know about my deserving to be here." He muttered.

It was nearly an hour before Jon chanced another word. "He's not dead you know. The Dark Lord." He'd been staring at his arm all day, praying that the damn mark would disappear.

Black's dark, haunted eyes turned to him, making Jon shiver where he stood. "I know."

* * *

** March 4th, 1988 **

He wasn’t even disgusted by his appearance anymore. His skin was dry and cracked, his beard and hair coarse to the touch and tangled beyond repair. His clothes were useless, they neither kept him warm or covered, being as tattered as they were. He sat on the stone floor, no longer feeling the cold or dampness, his body had either grown used to the feeling or had just shut down. He didn’t care to think about it. He didn’t care to think about anything anymore. Anything that entered his mind became twisted and sick. Some days he could handle it, should a memory resurface, but most of the time he kept his mind completely void of anything. 

* * *

June 27th, 1989

_ “Have you forgotten me?” _

Jon shivered, despite his body not feeling anything anymore. “Please go.” 

_ “Have you forgotten me?”  _

He slammed his eyes shut and stayed as still as possible in his stiff cot. He sensed the ghost like figure coming closer to him. He felt warmth and light... he felt peace. He didn’t want that. It would just be ripped away from him, and as much as it tore at his heart he had to push her away. “Please go.” 

_ “Jon.”  _

Her soft voice pulled at him, he wasn’t strong enough to deny her anything. Opening his eyes he saw Marlene’s glowing face. Holding a timid hand towards her comforting warmth he sighed at the feeling. If only he could really touch her. If only she wasn’t a ghost his mind conjured from time to time. 

_ “Have you forgotten me?”  _

“No.” He whispered. “Never.”

She smiled. 

_“Good.”_

But that wasn’t her voice. It was His. Out of habit he averted his eyes. “My Lord.” 

_“Never forget me. Never forget what you did. You killed her, not me.”_

“Yes, Sir.” 

* * *

** September 1st, 1991 **

_ “Daddy! Look what came!”  _

_ A pretty girl with bouncing brown curls plopped down onto the couch beside him.  _

_ “My Hogwarts letter! Look!”  _

_ “Oh my, already!” Jon said excitedly as he read the letter.  _

_ “I’m eleven now!”  _

_ “That you are, my princess.”  _

_ Her stunning smile turned to a frown, and her skin a dark and cold grey. “Too bad you won’t get to see me go, Daddy.”  _

_ “Princess.” He moaned. “I cant tell you how sorry I am. How much I miss you!”  _

_ “Why, Daddy? Why did you do it?”  _

_ “I had to, my princess.”  _

_ His daughter that he would never know looked at him with disgust. “For what? Where did it get you?”  _

_ He could feel the cold seeping in from the dementor just outside of his cell. _

_ “I don’t know.”  _

* * *

** November 24th, 1993 **

He couldn't feel anything anymore, he'd become a rambling lunatic, babbling to himself all day and most of the night. Somewhere in the back of his mind recalled the fact that Black had somehow escaped. He wondered how, but deemed the thought insignificant. Black had a family to return to, and his name to clear. 

Marlene always did have a soft spot for him. 

Closing his eyes he tried to take a deep breath, but found that his chest hurt to do so. His body was so used to the shallow pants his fear and hatred had forced upon him. 

* * *

** June 24, 1995 **

His arm burned like the fires of hell. What did this mean?! Was the Dark Lord here? Did he return? The pain and shock of it sent him into a panic. Did he even want to serve? Surely Marley would...   


Then he remembered. He remembered everything. Over and over again.

* * *

** January 7th, 1996 **

In the distance he heard a loud blast and a rush of wind.

Salt. 

He smelled salt and his first breath of fresh air in years. His lungs burned with it, having been so used to the stagnant air within his cell. He could hear Bellatrix cackle, then he heard it. 

The slither of a snake. 

The voice of his master. 

"Travers. It is time."

* * *

**January 8th, 1996**

Malfoy Manor was just as grand as he recalled. It was here that the Dark Lord chose to set up their headquarters, and Jon took full advantage of it. He took a shower that lasted hours. He scrubbed his dry, cracked skin until it was raw yet smooth. He changed into warm clothes that actually fit, and had a full nights rest since before he'd been imprisoned... fifteen years ago. 

Fifteen years he'd suffered in that hellhole, and even so... fifteen years later... he still dreamed of her.

His Marlene. 

She had become a nightmare over the years, torturing his mind with the fact that he should have died for her, he should have died with her, he should have tried to save her! He should have done anything other than what he did. He murdered her... for Him; to prove his loyalty to Him, and not to her. 

* * *

** June 18th, 1996 **

The Dark Lord had assured them all that this was a fool proof plan. He'd lured Potter right into a trap that he was certain to fall for. Jon stood behind Lucius in the Department of Mysteries as he tried to convince the boy to hand over the prophecy. He seemed like he was going to, then all hell broke loose. 

Spell fire was everywhere. Green, red and purple curses where flying in every direction. He'd been out of practice dueling, but some things just came right back. He'd recognized a few of the older Order members, and was almost positive he'd seen Black running around firing curses. A flash of movement on his right made him spin and shoot of a curse. That's when he saw...

* * *

** December 24th, 1996 **

He'd rather be in Azkaban. He knew what he'd seen, and his skin crawled with the knowledge of it. He'd volunteered for every raid the Dark Lord had wanted. He couldn't search for her himself, it had to be this way. When the time finally came to ambush the Weasley house, he knew she would be there. 

They had the house surrounded. He could see her in the window. It was really her. 

~

The grass was thick and tall, but he kept his post, he wasn't missing this, not after all these years. She walked slowly. Somehow, she knew he was there, too. 

He raised his wand with an almost steady hand. “I would think you a ghost, but we both know a ghost doesn’t have a beating heart. I can smell your fear from here.”

Marlene locked eyes with him. "I do not fear you, Jonathan Travers."

She had the most beautiful eyes. "I watched you die. I watched our daughter die, yet here you both are."

"You had something to prove then, just as I have something to prove now."

Then she raised her wand...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! In my defense of the cliff hanger, I have a companion piece from Marlene's point of view :) Hope you all enjoyed it!


End file.
